“MOM! I Don’t Want to Set Goals!” Talking to Your Teen About Goals

As we leave 2024 behind us and look forward with hope to a bright new year, we begin to set new year’s resolutions, or as they are called the rest of the year, goals. You may wish to help your teens set goals too. With some teens, his might be a simple, straightforward process. You can discuss with them what steps they might take to achieve what they want to this year. Then set goals with them and find ways to be supportive – especially when there are setbacks. A great technique to make sure goals and the steps to meet them are successful is to make them SMART goals (Specific-Measurable-Achievable-Relevant-Time-based).

But what happens if your teen becomes distraught and says “MOM! I don’t want to set goals!” and insist they are already worried about their grades and don’t need the pressure? If you are having difficulty coaxing your teen to sit with you at the table and complete a SMART goals worksheet or to help organize their goals and set them up for success, you may need to approach goal setting differently.

A creative approach to setting goals

A mom I know tried an unconventional but ultimately successful strategy. She waited a day after her unsuccessful attempt to engage her teen in goal setting and approached her teen more casually. She asked the teen if there was anything they wanted to do this year and mentioned something that the teen had already expressed interest in, prom. She then asked questions about what the teen might need to make that event happen and what she (mom) could do to help. Mom learned from this successful conversation that she could approach her teen about goals by presenting the topic in a gentler way but still including the same concepts, without provoking anxiety.

By asking in this less direct way, the teen was able to talk about what they wanted to do for the school year. They started with prom and were able to casually talk about other things the teen wanted to do during the rest of the school year. Mom was able to use reflective listening so her teen would know she was really listening and feel mom was engaged. The teen could also clarify any misunderstandings for mom. For both parent and teen this was a less anxiety-provoking and frustrating experience.

Does this approach meet the standard for goal setting? Let’s see: Mom asked her teen about something the teen was interested in doing this year that had a date (prom), so the timeline is implied, the goal is specific and it’s relevant to the teen’s age. The teen expressed interest in finding specific attire and can begin looking for the promwear and saving money for it now. The goal is achievable and measurable in successfully having the outfit before prom and purchasing tickets. It may not have been developed in the traditional sense, but it can be set up as a SMART goal none-the-less.

Meeting smaller goals leads to successful larger goals

As goals go for an adult, prom may not be something we think of as an accomplishment or concern. But for a teenager, that goal might just be right up there with getting their driver’s license or passing Spanish this semester. Try to remember these are their goals. You are there to support and offer guidance in helping them achieve them. If you give them some room to grow, you are far more likely to be given that opportunity to share some wisdom on the grander goals.