How To Share the Emotional Labor Of Parenting

Many modern families share domestic duties in a way that would have been foreign to previous generations. Dads today will often willingly do a load of laundry, change a diaper or cook a meal. Many moms can complete home repairs, handle vehicle maintenance and throw a ball. These shifts are healthy because they allow children to see both parents contributing to household and parenting tasks regardless of gender. Unfortunately, the invisible, emotional labor needed to support a modern family often remains somewhat gender specific. A report from the United Nations found that women do 2.6 times more unpaid work than men, including unseen tasks like school carpooling, caring for elderly relatives, holiday planning and supporting family harmony. These unbalanced family responsibilities mean mothers risk burnout.

The Mental Load of Emotional Labor

Although many tasks classified as emotional labor address a family’s emotional and physical well-being, any administrative effort that contributes to a well-run household fall into this category, which is sometimes called “mental load.” Because many moms are the emotional center of the home, they are expected to be fully available when family members are sick, troubled or stressed. Mom is also the invisible elf who ensures that everyone has clothing that fits, food to eat and a schedule that works.

Emotional labor often extends far beyond the immediate family. Moms not only remember issues and occasions important to those residing under her roof, but she is also responsible for people who are important to her family, like her in-laws, her children’s teachers and her spouse’s co-workers.

The Potential for Burnout from Invisible Tasks

When you add these invisible tasks to a full schedule, it’s no surprise that many mothers feel exhausted even before the second shift of emotional labor begins. Understandably, this fatigue can lead to resentment and frustration. No one notices invisible labor until it goes undone, at which time moms can be criticized or made to feel guilty. Even worse, many parents feel uncomfortable outsourcing these unrelenting tasks since they are so closely related to the family. The unappreciated nature of emotional labor can cause a mother to withdraw when her family needs her the most. According to Dr. Amelia Nagoski, author of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, parental burnout can lead to a decrease in empathy and a dwindling sense of accomplishment. Eventually, an overwhelmed parent may shut down due to a belief that “nothing you do makes any difference,” she explains.

The Benefits of Shared Responsibility

Mom is an obvious beneficiary of shared responsibility, but all family members win in a home that values equality. Data published in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests that men who take on more emotional labor enjoy increased physical intimacy in their marriages. Fathers who share the mental load set an important example for their children, particularly their daughters. Research conducted by the Association for Psychological Science found that fathers who embraced household responsibilities raised daughters who were more likely to pursue higher-paying careers. “How fathers treat their domestic duties appears to play a unique gatekeeper role,” explains researcher Alyssa Croft.

How To Approach a Partner About Sharing the Load

Don’t assume that negotiating emotional labor is just another form of work, making it easier to do these tasks yourself. Although it’s tempting to believe that mothers are naturally better at soothing school dramas, buying gifts and making sure that the house is well-stocked, these assumptions are untrue. Women have more practice opportunities, but any family member can learn by doing. Most spouses want an equal partnership but are either unaware of this inequality or are unsure of how to do their fair share. Because these misunderstandings contribute to imbalance, approach your partner to make them aware that you’re swamped. Be clear that you are asking for shared responsibility, not help (which implies that the task in question is solely your job).

Don’t wait until a full-blown crisis and acknowledge the contributions they already make so that they are not too defensive to hear your message. It may help to explain that this arrangement will benefit your entire family. After all, you’re modeling the skills that your children will one day use to run their own households. Once you calmly ask them what they’re willing to take on, know that they may have their own way of completing the task, which means that you will have to relinquish control. Hovering over a partner who is trying to share responsibility is continuing the cycle of imbalance. It is very common to assume that mom has a firm lock on emotional labor, while her partner is only a helpmate. We must change this outlook, says Gemma Harley, the author of Fed Up: Emotional Labor, Women, and the Way Forward, because it “sets up women for an overwhelming dive into the deep waters of emotional labor but also inhibits men from growing and stepping fully into the role of parent.”

Clarifying Essential Tasks

The value of emotional labor is immeasurable because it ensures that those we love feel secure and cared for. However, not every task is essential. Lightening your load may mean dropping obligations that no longer serve you or your family. Ask yourself what you do out of obligation rather than out of necessity or joy. Keeping only joyful and essential tasks means that you can lovingly offer emotional labor because you don’t feel undervalued, overwhelmed and used.

Harley reassures families that sharing invisible labor “gives all of us a chance to live fuller and more authentic lives.” Even better, when we share these responsibilities, we allow our loved ones to create their own systems, their own sets of priorities and their own deep connections.

Five Tips for Sharing Emotional Labor

1. Don’t Expect Your Partner To “Just Know.” There’s an expectation that tasks related to love and parenting should come naturally, but your partner may be unaware rather than neglectful.
2. Make Emotional Labor Visible: Put a list of the week’s tasks in a high-traffic area. Ask each participating family member to place his name beside each task he plans to complete. Cross out completed items and encourage your family to do the same.
3. Don’t Get Pulled Into Someone Else’s Responsibility: It is common for a family member to feel uncomfortable when attempting something that you’ve always handled. It’s fine to offer advice but resist the urge to jump in. Allow your loved one to figure it out.
4. Sometimes Done Is Better Than Perfect: Accepting shared responsibility means relinquishing control. Sometimes, you must lower your standards and know that done is good enough.
5. Acknowledge A Job Well Done: You know firsthand how frustrating it is when no one notices or acknowledges your constant efforts. Positive reinforcement is a great way to ensure that your partner willingly and lovingly continues to share responsibility.