Page 16 - North State Parent June 2020

for parents By Christa Melnyk Hines
Anger Management Hacks for Parents
Between screaming toddlers, squabbling sib- lings and saucy teens, keeping your cool can be tricky unless you have a few anger man-
agement parenting hacks up your sleeve.
Recognize anger rising
"Everybody has their own unique physiological stress signs," says Michele Borba, Ed.D., author of Un- selfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Perhaps you clench your teeth and narrow your eyes. Maybe your arms stiffen at your sides and your fingers curl into fists.
Not sure what your sign is? Ask your child. "They'll always tell you. 'Right before you get mad, Mom, you do that weird thing with your eyes,'" Michele says. Our youngsters have their own signs too. Maybe your daughter starts yanking at her hair or your son furrows his brow. "It's almost always the sign they're going to
use the rest of their life."
Once you've identified each other's anger signs,
come up with a nonverbal time-out signal to use the moment you feel anger rising. The signal gives you each permission to walk away and calm down before resum- ing the conversation.
Empathize
Avoid taking your child's bad mood personally. Your child may have had a rough day at school. May- be they did poorly on a test, got their feelings hurt at recess or perhaps they're simply tired and hungry after a busy day. Give your kids time to decompress before peppering them with questions or demands. "If we can look at the world through their eyes and really feel compassion and empathy for them, it's just going to shift everything in terms of how we approach different kinds of situations," says child psychologist Dr. Vanessa
LaPointe, author of Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up.
Know your triggers
Family tensions generally run highest between 4 and 6 p.m. Often, we're rushing to feed hungry, irritated kids, distracted by work issues, helping with homework, and running to get everyone off to extracurricular activ- ities. In a notebook or on your calendar, jot down times and circumstances when you're most likely to lose your cool. Once you identify a pattern, plan for how you'll address the stress and better regulate yourself in the future.
Press pause and breathe
Taking deep breaths is such a powerful way to self- soothe that even the Navy Seals use the technique, Mi- chele explains. "The moment the stress starts to 17
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