As every parent of multiple children knows, one of the biggest struggles is making sure all the kids get the attention that they need and deserve. It can be a juggling act on the best of days, but when you throw in a lot of doctor appointments, therapies, unexpected illnesses and extreme behaviors, finding a balance is virtually impossible.
One of my biggest fears in raising children with special needs is that their “typical” brothers would feel cheated or neglected in some way because so much of our day-to-day life revolves around the needs of their siblings. Most of the time the boys willingly go with the flow, but there have also been times of frustration and ruined plans due to a medical or behavioral emergency. There has been resentment and parental guilt aplenty, and days where I must remind myself that “this too shall pass.”
There are lots of ways that parents can support siblings of children with special needs. These are some of the things that have worked, most of the time, for us.
The gift of time.
The best way we support our children is to give them undivided attention. We try our best to squeeze in some one-on-one time in with all four kids, even if it’s something as simple as extra bedtime stories or snuggle time at night. Since this doesn’t apply to our teenager anymore, he loves getting undivided attention by running errands alone with Mom or Dad.
No free passes for bad behavior.
We quickly learned that excusing lousy behavior is just a breeding ground for resentment. Staying consistent with rules and consequences has benefited everyone. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but overall we’ve found it best to treat everyone the same.
Validation.
Our older boys have witnessed more extreme meltdowns and aggression and seen their younger brother being loaded into an ambulance too many times than I care to count. We recognize they have experienced trauma also. It’s scary and stressful for everyone involved, and we make sure we acknowledge that.
Be honest.
Siblings should have age-appropriate information about their sibling’s diagnosis, needs and anything else that is important. I’ve found that the unknown brings anxiety, and in the best-case scenario, informed kids will use their knowledge to educate others.
Posted in: Uniquely Us
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