Not Your Mama’s Etiquette Class: Teaching Teens in the Digital Age

Etiquette, throughout the ages, has been a general set of social norms and expectations or a code of conduct on which a group agrees. These codes typically haven’t been global and may not have withstood the test of time and they vary from place to place. Looking to the not-so-distant past, parents may have sent their teens to etiquette classes or refinement schools. Or etiquette may have been taught as part of regular curriculum in a local school or in youth groups. Others were taught at home by a tutor or just by the family. The goal was to teach teens to appropriately socialize, be respectful of others and display appropriate manners. For some it meant knowing how to correctly eat in public, send and respond to invitations properly and even know where all those pieces of silverware go on the table.

Etiquette in the modern age

Today a great deal of communication happens digitally. But to teach our teens etiquette often still requires in-person learning. When our children were little, we taught them basic manners and respect. As they are maturing, we continue to remind them and continue to teach them. When they forget their manners or to respect others, we lay down some consequences (i.e., suggest the desired behavior be adhered to or privileges will be suspended).

This is only one small piece of trying to teach our teens, though. Respect isn’t just about how teens treat adults. It’s about respecting their peers and everyone else in the world of the internet. Taking the time to teach teens to be courteous and respectful of others online might look like teaching them to apply the golden rule to the digital world. Asking questions about how they would like to be treated and spoken to and about online, rather than lecturing your teen, may help them better understand how others feel.

Look for teachable etiquette moments

Not every teen wants to talk with their parent about their own experience, so looking for teachable moments may provide opportunities for parents to sprinkle teens with some extra etiquette experience. Maybe there is a situation on TV, or a movie or a conversation that comes up while dropping them off at the mall that opens that door to etiquette-ville.

Teachable moments can be afforded through get-togethers. Today, invitations are sent via text in a group message (with no punctuation, as apparently that’s a thing now). Half the kids won’t respond or will leave the message unread, a quarter will respond with an emoji and the other quarter will respond with a text, if you are lucky. This is an opportunity to talk to your kids about etiquette, whether your teen is sending or receiving the invitation. Ask questions and offer guidance. What time of day should those texts be sent? Is it appropriate to send it in a group chat? Does it depend on the group? Should they answer you separately? Is “ghosting” ever appropriate?

Practice the etiquette you teach

As parents, we also need to practice what we preach; to model the behavior we are looking for. Children see what we do. If adults press “ignore” and send Grandma to voicemail, or ignore friends’ texts or ghost someone, children are going to feel they are authorized to engage in all the same behaviors. They are merely following our lead. If we really intend for them to engage in the etiquette behavior we are trying to instill, we need to live it. We should help teach them to clearly communicate while increasing their ability to set boundaries and be assertive.

Finally, encourage everyone in the family to put down their phone, step away from the computer and have technology down times in the home. Unplug. Show them it can be done and that connecting with people face-to-face is still important because we still must practice etiquette while “peopling.”