Life as a “Single Parent” – Minimizing Trauma

The pandemic took a lot out of all of us, not the least of which was the loss of resiliency – you know, that little bit of ‘give’ that allows you to respond with grace when you get a flat tire, or when someone is grumpy or sick. Or when life throws really hard things at you.

Now, when we are returning to almost-normalcy, our lack of ‘give’ really stands out. Fuses are shorter, things are said, new trauma created. And sometimes when it gets to be too much, one of the partners may leave, often leaving a single parent trying to create a new normal.

Years ago, I moved myself and my four children out of a bad situation and became a single mom. I didn’t know then about ACEs – Adverse Childhood Events – of which separation and divorce are examples, and which can have ripples into your child’s adulthood. Fortunately, I did several things right to minimize trauma, but I also made mistakes. Here is a list of suggestions to help you and your children.

Accept support

Your kids need your presence. It is so tempting to work extra shifts or longer hours, or to add one more job, so you can provide better and have more financial security. But accept the support that’s out there to make up what your regular hours can’t cover – daycare assistance, food banks, food boxes, and federal programs like SNAP and WIC. Accept the help that’s around you so your kids can have a little bit more of you. “Receiving emotional support from family, friends and counseling for myself and my daughter has been important in navigating challenging times,” says Esther, a Mt. Shasta single mom. “Feeling understood and heard helped us to feel less alone and to know that we can get through this.”

If their life was anchored on either side by two parents, when one leaves it’s like their teeter-totter has tottered and they feel like they are losing their balance. Kids say things like, “I was afraid to do anything wrong or maybe my mom would leave too,” or “I was afraid something would happen to my mom, and I’d be left all alone.” Just by being present you’re reducing their stress and anxiety, making it less traumatic. I made this mistake and wish I had a do-over on it.

The support of your community can expand your perspective and that of your child, as well. “I knew before my son was born that I was going to be his only parent,” says Mt. Shasta single mom Cara. “Now twelve years into raising him, I’m proud of the network of adults who have stepped up to be a consistent part of his life. This community of mentors, coaches, grandparents, aunties, and family friends has been the most important influence in his stability and maturity, each providing him with different perspectives and engaging experiences.”

Structure and routine bring stability

We couch-surfed our first two months on our own, but we still ate together at night as much as possible. At one house when we all shared a room, I played a pleasant kids’ audio book as we were falling asleep. Structure and familiarity bring comfort. Have everyone make their beds in the morning, not to military precision, just pull the blankets up and set the pillow on top. Just making the bed starts the day feeling a little more stable. Everyone does better emotionally when they are rested, parents as well, so keep a good bedtime schedule.

Eat healthy

It’s so tempting to grab a cheap McD’s meal or ramen. But eating healthy pays for itself in fewer trips to the doctor, more energy and more clarity to think. Eat fruits and veggies, a good protein and a complex carb. A rotisserie chicken from the store with a bag of baby carrots and some brown rice makes a quick, easy, nutritious meal. Or fill your oven with potatoes on the rack and bake till done for good carbs you can easily reheat. Avoid most “fast” carbs high on the glycemic index, like Mac & Cheese, But a little dish of ice cream at day’s end is still a nice treat.

Go to a park

This was a lifesaver to me. I was so exhausted when I got off work, I’d go pick the kids up then drive us to a park or a school playground. I could sit on a bench and recover from the day while the kids had a great time. Being outdoors is great for mental health. Keep a box of granola bars and water in your car and eat one yourself so you aren’t cranky.

“Borrow” a joyful atmosphere with good shows and movies

This one is especially helpful when everyone is feeling down. The atmosphere in the house can quickly spiral into depression or fear. Use a show to bring an atmosphere of hope and joy into your home. You can even “borrow” a TV dad or mom from good shows. On the other hand, movies that are filled with suspense or sadness can eat up your meager store of resiliency. Save the drama for real life and watch joyful, fun, hopeful shows with your family.

Every day is like a bead on a string: Your choices influence whether today ends as a pretty bead or an ugly one. The better that string of beads in your kids’ life, the better for their lives as adults, and yours as well. Hang in there, the hard times don’t last forever.