The first time I attended the wedding of a friend, I knew exactly what to do. I brought a gift, set it on the gift table, and sat on the bride’s side of the aisle. I took advantage of the open bar, and joined the other guests in celebrating the couple. By the time I got married, I’d been in so many weddings I could have filled the role of bridesmaid blindfolded with my hands bound behind my back. I was a pro when it came to helping friends tie the knot.
But when it came to helping friends through divorce, I was as comfortable as a seventh-grader at a school dance.
For years, I’d known how to help my bestie through any crisis. I’d functioned as wingman, fashion advisor, therapist, career counselor, and dog sitter. I was there when she met her now ex-husband, and I was there to soothe her nerves the first time she met his parents. I knew not to bother talking her out of chocolate pudding for breakfast or running alone at night. Yet, I didn’t know exactly how to help when she got divorced.
The following tips are based on the experiences of friends of mine who have been through divorce and were kind enough to share their stories with me.
Hold the questions
When you ask questions about how the split happened, you might think you’re expressing interest or concern, but it doesn’t necessarily come off that way. As one of my friends recalled over a decade after the fact, “Many people had a million nosy questions that just made me cry even harder. Like I was supposed to explain to them how it came about.”
Be accepting and supportive
You might have your own ideas about why the marriage didn’t last, but that is not what your friend wants to hear right now (or maybe ever). Unless your friend specifically asks you what you think went wrong, keep it to yourself. Said one friend, “The people who were just completely accepting and supportive were the best.”
Divorce has essentially flipped your friend’s whole life upside down. Regardless of the circumstances, the process can be scary, disorienting, and overwhelming, which can cause him or her to second guess the decision. One friend described “going blank” at times, like you would during trauma. She recalled how important it was for friends to remind her of the details of why she made the choice to leave and all the actions she took to try to save the marriage.
Make time to stay connected
When your friend is going through a divorce, she may not know where she fits in anymore, especially if she’s separated (emotionally or geographically) from family. An invitation to dinner, especially at the holidays, goes a long way.
If dinner isn’t your jam, give your friend liquid nutrition and laughs. One friend remembered, in the tender weeks following her divorce, “The best person just made time to let me crash on her couch after her kids went to bed and we drank beer and watched the kind of trashy shows that make you feel like your life is pretty together.”
Show you care with a gift or real help
It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive to show you care. One friend, recalling her long-ago divorce, mentioned a simple fridge magnet with a heart on it that a friend sent her. “Every time I opened the refrigerator I knew she was thinking of me.”
It’s nice to say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” but what really helps is rolling up your sleeves and working. One friend recalled being grateful when someone cleaned out her fridge without being asked, when another friend helped reset all her bank passwords, and for the people who took on housework and childcare.
Keep showing up
Said one friend, in the wake of her divorce, she was grateful for a handful of friends who kept showing up, extending invitations to coffee, and “continuing to call, even when I was at the point where I ‘should’ be okay but I wasn’t, and asking how I was, then not flinching when I gave an honest response.”
Be a Cheerleader
Let your friend know you believe in them. One friend described the wrenching decision to leave his partner just one month prior to the wedding and how powerful it was to receive a letter from a family member. “[She wrote that] I made the most difficult decision of my life. I carry that card in my bag every day. It meant the world to me when I felt like I was the worst type of human being.” Other friends recalled appreciating the advice to go out, have experiences, and figure out who you are without him, and to be selfish for a while.
It turns out, being a friend through a divorce isn’t much different from being a friend through the rest of life’s messes. As my best friend recalled, while she and her ex were splitting up, I did better than I thought I did, as a friend. “You didn’t give advice and you listened, and that’s the best you can do for someone.”
Posted in: Health & Nutrition
Comment Policy: All viewpoints are welcome, but comments should remain relevant. Personal attacks, profanity, and aggressive behavior are not allowed. No spam, advertising, or promoting of products/services. Please, only use your real name and limit the amount of links submitted in your comment.
You Might Also Like...
Pack Pain: Backpack Safety for Back to School
Kids everywhere will head back to class this fall with their own unique sense of fashion on display. Whether students sport a message tee, cargo shorts or a school uniform, […]
The Magic of Healing – Magician Bill Jackson Knows It’s Not a Trick
In 1986 Bill Jackson became one of California’s first Project Magic magicians. Founded and designed by famed illusionist David Copperfield, Project Magic is innovative and simple. Patients with various disabilities […]
Food Allergies & Children – Can Kids Outgrow Allergies?
Some children may outgrow their food allergies. But the likelihood of that happening depends in large part on the type of food a child is allergic to, as well as […]
Fun Ways Nature Helps Reduce Stress
Our kids are living with a lot of stress these days, including the uncertainty of schooling amid the pandemic, and navigating social media, along with the “normal” stressors of growing […]
