As most parents of a child with special needs know, other people often have a desire to comment to us about our children, or our parenting. Family, friends, and even random strangers can be strangely comfortable questioning and remarking on various aspects of our lives.
There are no magic words or phrases when it comes to communicating with families that have children with special needs, but there are some to avoid. And some words can even turn our day around for the better. The following four examples are things that have been said to me or other local parents.
‘Well, he seems pretty normal.”
I hate when people say that to me,’ states Kristyn Engelking, whose son is on the autism spectrum. People seem to think that this is a comforting thing to say, but it minimizes the challenges that go along with autism, or other types of diagnoses.
Unsolicited Advice or Suggestions
Well-meaning people often give unsolicited advice or suggestions. Diane Friend of Shasta County says of her daughter, “We’ve been told numerous times how she just needs to play outside more or needs a bigger yard, and she would be fine.”
If You Could Just …
I’ve also had my share of suggestions that involve the word “just,” and the bottom line is that if we could “just,” we would have already. Special needs parenting doesn’t come with a manual, so it can feel like we are trying to reinvent the wheel when we’re dealing with the issues our kids have. Making these suggestions is like implying that perhaps we haven’t worked hard enough to find solutions that will help our child when, in reality, we’ve lost sleep trying to figure it all out.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Sometimes actions speak louder than words when interacting with families of children with special needs. Emma Ramirez has three children with special needs. She explains, “What we find most often is nobody says anything to our daughter who has a genetic condition and is on the spectrum, but our son in a wheelchair gets a ton of ‘awws’ in public. Even if he’s having a hard time. And usually, the rest of our kids are ignored.” It’s important to acknowledge all the siblings, regardless of ability.
One of the best things you can say to the parent of a special needs child is to tell them that they are doing a good job. It may not sound like much, but it goes a long way. We spend countless hours wondering if we are doing the right things for our kids while juggling other aspects of our lives. Some days it feels as if we are barely treading water. In our worst moments, we feel like we are failing, and often kind words and a nonjudgmental ear is all we need.
Posted in: Uniquely Us
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