Page 44 - Family Resource Guide Fall/Winter 2024/2025

FAMILY LIFE & SUPPORT NORTH STATE PARENT FAMILY RESOURCE GUIDE FALL/WINTER 2024/2025
Taking a
Bite out
of the
Sandwich
Generation
BY BRIANNA LEE KEANEY
You may have heard of the Sandwich Generation, but you may be wondering what it is and if you are a part of it. Simply put, those
in the Sandwich Generation are “sandwiched” in between raising children and caring for their parents. The "bread" of that sandwich is the people you’re now responsible for, whether that is directly (hands-on caretaking) or indirectly (acting as a medical proxy, arranging care, coordinating appointments, etc. for an aging adult). If this sounds like you, you are not alone. Nearly 18 million Americans are caring for aging and increasingly dependent parents.
Transitioning into a different relationship with someone who you did or still do look to as your support can be a painful process. We may see these people as shelters and even part of the village that helps raise our children. Or there can be a strained relationship from childhood, which might stoke resentment. But in any case, the reality of that relation-shift can feel overwhelming.
As someone who’s handled the care of a parent for many years, I understand the struggles of working with and around changes in physical and cognitive ability. This journey has been a complicated one, but I have learned (and am still learning) much in terms of how to navigate these waters. I find it helps to break things down into manageable parts.
Having the hard conversation
It’s difficult enough understanding things need to change, but convincing someone else is even harder. It can wound a person’s pride to tell them you don’t think they can do it all on their own anymore. Sometimes, these talks are met with hostility, rigidity or deep
embarrassment. It helps to imagine being in that position yourself and coming up with a script or a bullet list of things that would make this news easier for you to take. If you proceed with tenderness and preparation, it can make the process easier on both parties.
If you have a strained relationship with your parent(s), it might help to consult a third party, whether that’s a sibling, a spouse, a therapist or a social worker who can help you practice and act as an intermediary in those conversations.
Avoid caretaker burnout
Being the "filling" of that sandwich can be tricky to manage. Even though caretaking can be very rewarding, once you add in the demands of parenthood, jobs and making ends meet, adding on care for your older relatives can take a toll. The Mayo Clinic provides a list of the signs of emotional exhaustion and burnout (which range from shifts in sleep, weight, mood and more), so you can keep an eye out for them.
It’s important to remember that self-care is not only good for your mental and physical well-being, but it improves the quality of care you can provide to others. No one wants to snap at their child or parent because all that stress needs an outlet. We want to be our best selves for them; a watered, regenerated and nurtured self, equipped with the patience to navigate life’s recurring challenges. “Make time for your own health care and mental health care appointments,” says Erin Stidham, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Clinical Director of Creekside Counseling in Redding. “You have to maintain your own wellbeing in order to take care of
everyone else. Caregivers frequently avoid or put off their own appointments. Don’t delay, just do it. Take care of yourself.”
Here are some tips to keep in mind:
• Stay hydrated. Take your reusable water bottle with you wherever you go. Drink BEFORE you feel thirsty.
• Pre-plan meals and healthy snacks and prepare large dishes ahead of time, divide them into portable containers and take them with you or heat them up for the family, so you are not cooking meals on those way too busy days or stuffing a candy bar down instead of a healthy snack.
• Plan to take breaks. Your local hospice chapter can provide respite care at low or no cost. Reach out to friends and family for support. Take your caree to an exercise class for seniors or a local senior center for a few hours. Then take a break! Don’t try to do everything alone, all the time!
What bases to cover when taking on the care of a relative
Whether you’re caring for a parent, another relative or someone in your chosen family, there are questions you’ll need to ask and concrete tasks you’ll need to take care of. Here is a suggested list.
• Talk with your parents about their wishes, including
religious requests, medical preferences, health priorities
and their Will or Trust.
• Establish medical proxy/power of attorney. Become
acquainted with their doctors and get on the medical documentation, allowing you to make decisions 45
44 North State Parent Family Resource Guide Fall/Winter 2024/2025 • www.northstateparent.com