The Affection Effect in Marriage

Show Your Love!

“They must still be dating,” my friend whispered to me. We were standing shivering at my son’s soccer game before the coronavirus swept the nation and we were safely socially distant. My brother-in-law and his fiancée were cuddled together, full of affection while sharing a warm blanket and a chair. “No married couple would be that affectionate toward each other,” she said.

Her assessment seems a bit pessimistic to this romantic. Must the spontaneity and sweetness of courtship die as we move out of the shout-it-from-the-roof-tops kind of love and into the demands of parenthood?

Growing complacent about displaying affection isn’t unusual as a marriage becomes filled with children, crises, celebrations, and day-to-day routine. Nonetheless, simple expressions of love—handholding, hugs and kisses, and compliments—are an essential component to the health of a marriage and the family unit.

“Without intimacy, people can and often do begin to feel isolated, alone, bitter, depressed, used and simply uncared for,” says Amanda Deverich, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “All the happiness that was amplified by the physicality in the early part of the marriage is no longer there to grease the wheels of family life. What remains is grinding drudgery, financial stress and short tempers.”

Affection amid parenthood

Many parents find that physical affection for each other can get lost in the mind-numbing whirlwind of sleepless nights and the general challenges of new parenthood. “This is a natural phenomenon in the family life cycle as parents devote their energies to the newborn,” Amanda says.
After the initial adjustment period, nurture your relationship to avoid resentment and a sense of neglect. Such feelings can quietly chip away at the positive family dynamic that your kids rely on to feel safe and secure.

Why affection is healthy

“Couples believe affection is simply an inspired by-product of a feeling,” Amanda explains. “However, it can be the other way around. Love, connectedness, and caring can be sparked by physical touch.”
While excessive public displays of intimacy can cause discomfort for those around you, including your kids, showing warmth toward one another gives children a sense that all is well in their family unit. “When children see this model behavior where affection is easily expressed, that is a skill set that can translate into other areas of their life,” says psychiatrist Dr. Bela Sood. “They learn how to be kind, gentle, as well as be happy with other people as they watch their parents.”

When affection doesn’t come naturally

Not everyone was raised in affectionate homes, and others simply aren’t wired to display warmth toward others, including the ones they love the most.
“Understand the uniqueness and differences in the other person without being judgmental about that,” Dr. Sood says. But that doesn’t mean you can’t work on meeting your spouse’s needs for affection. Recall what attracted the two of you in the first place. Physical touch and tenderness toward each other can reaffirm your love and create instant connectedness.

“We forget that we have control over many things that go on in our lives if we are willing to make that sacrifice,” Dr. Sood says. “And why are we willing to make that sacrifice? Because we love that person.”

17 Simple Ways to Rekindle that Lovin’ Feelin’

1. Hold hands
2. Hug and kiss
3. Look each other in the eyes
4. Get involved in a hobby together
5. Listen when your spouse talks about his or her interests
6. Flirt with each other
7. Laugh together
8. Pen a love note and leave it on your spouse’s pillow
9. Send a flirty text message
10. Email a link to a sweet love song to your mate
11. Give your spouse a back rub
12. Offer a sincere compliment
13. Help each other around the house and with the kids
14. Call each other during the day just to check-in
15. Court each other
16. Tell your kids what you love about your spouse
17. Say “I love you”