Self-Care for Parents

Do It for Yourself, Do It for Your Kids

Have you heard the coronavirus pandemic of 2020 likened to a war? In traditional ground-fought wars, the command post behind the lines would often have hot coffee, good food, and dry clothes. Was this because the generals were selfish? Or because they deserved it for having made the highest ranks in the military? No, it was because if the command fell or experienced low morale, the rest of the troops, and indeed the entire war effort, would be in jeopardy. Those leaders making critical decisions needed to be at their best and they needed to employ self-care to do it.

Now think of that in terms of parenting. Parents are the generals of their households. How do you, those who stay at home with children, feel day after day, hour after hour, with no real break in sight? Is the coffee hot and your clothing dry? If not and if that continues, how do you think your troops at home will fare?

Self-care is not selfish. Self-care is one of the best things you can do for your kids. Taking care of your own physical and mental health keeps you going. While a break from family can cause guilt and anxiety in mothers and fathers alike, we all know how re-energizing a break can be.

“Maintaining the basic day-to-day with no extraordinary circumstances, keeping all those balls in the air, is a really demanding endeavor, and it leaves very little time for moms to be able to have fun, relax, rest and have downtime,” says Aimee Danielson, director of the Women’s Mental Health Program at MedStar Georgetown University Hospital in the District.

I suggest not hours, but a day off now and then. This could mean asking a spouse, family member, or friend to cover you for a day. Maybe it involves hiring a sitter. Whatever you need to do, make it happen.

In my house, we juggle a lot. I homeschool a spunky five-year-old and a vivacious seven-year-old who has attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder. I write and conduct interviews during their naps and after bedtime. My husband is in the U.S. Army, and often away on training. He was on such training in Washington State at the height of the Covid-19 outbreak there.

A few years ago, I told him I was going to start taking one day off a month from being a full-time stay-at-home, part-time work-at-home homeschooling mom. For my first day off, I drove an hour away to explore a new town and do a little shopping. Another time, I just wandered Target with a coffee. A hike or a scenic drive alone is on my to-do list. Often, this time even benefits the family because I can do deep thinking about which routines are working in our house, which ones are not, who might need something extra, and how we’ll do that.

One month, I skipped my day off, because my husband had a month-long assignment out of town. But, in retrospect, that’s when I really needed it. In fact, Aimee Danielson says that the times when parents need self-care the most—maybe they’re experiencing a spouse’s deployment, a death a divorce—are often when it slips.
“When you add that additional component, the account runs down to zero, and then there’s nothing there. That puts women at risk for developing mental-health issues such as depression, anxiety, insomnia.” So, before you take a day off or a girls’ night out, Aimee says, focus on sleeping, eating well, and moving your body. “You’re the linchpin to the whole family working.”

At a loss for what you might do? Try to think about what will be restorative. Maybe get in a good workout and then relax in sneakers at a coffee shop where you can read a fun book. Or maybe schedule lunch and a spa day with a close friend. Errands day this is not. Finding a dry cleaner for your winter boots can wait.
Looking forward to that day encourages me all month. Studies show that the anticipation of vacation can bring just as much psychological reward as the actual vacation. Shane Lopez, a Gallup senior scientist and author of Making Hope Happen, calls this nexting. Knowing that relief and rest are coming keeps parents energized during today’s puppet shows and snack times, tumbles, and sibling tussles.

Genevieve Shaw Brown is a mom of three and a reporter for ABC News in New York. At one point, she realized that she fed her kids better than herself, as she details in her book, The Happiest Mommy You Know. “You can’t just think, ‘Someday soon I’m going to take a day for myself’,” she says. “We have to prioritize the same as we would prioritize things for our kids. We’d never miss an appointment for our kids because they are important. Equally important is prioritizing yourself.”

It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking I’m not loving my kids when I’m apart from them. But the truth is, I get worn out. I lose the energy to play with them. Worse, I start snapping at them just for doing childlike, age-appropriate things, like asking me rapid-fire questions.

If you were choosing a child-care provider, and you had a choice between someone who seemed stressed, tired, and overwhelmed versus someone who seemed rested, contented, happy and healthy, who would you want for your kids? Aimee says, “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids.”