Mapping Teenagers

Residents of California’s upper North State are fortunate to have access to endless year-round hiking opportunities. Grab a map, and within an hour you can be hitting the trail. Hiking these trails has not only kept me in shape both mentally and physically, but it has also given me access to something very important—the hearts of our teenagers.

Have you encountered difficulty in communicating with your teenager? Wouldn’t it be great if you could grab a map and navigate the rocky teenage years with ease? Or how about a GPS with a built-in radio? Then they would certainly follow all our directions, wouldn’t they? A person may not fully understand this strange and treacherous territory unless they have spent a considerable amount of time with teenagers. Years ago, I looked at our children and didn’t believe it could happen in our family. You mean to say that these sweet children under my tutelage would eventually turn on me and resist almost every word I said?

We can’t ignore that cliff that lies just ahead. Mixed in with the advancing years of our children will come the dreaded addition of hormones. Hormones guarantee that we can’t keep our children as children forever. Their brains are altered during this time, and all the changes send them on their way toward leaving the nest and becoming independent. The “fledging” process, and the testing of their wings, often doesn’t look very pretty. They flounder, crash, bump, eat constantly, crowd the nest, complain, peck and seemingly grow deaf to their parent’s wisdom.

For Kate’s son Kale and daughter Sarah, not many things can top the feeling of trekking in the Himalayas

But I need to be able to talk to my teenagers somehow, don’t I? Yes, and you can. Don’t despair! One thing to keep in your communication arsenal is the knowledge that face-to-face confrontation will usually end badly. Face-to-face confrontation feels like an attack every time. Have you ever noticed that kids will open up more while driving around in the car? It’s not face-to-face! Eyes staring ahead or out the side windows help people to feel more relaxed and like they are not on the receiving end of an assault. The same might be true if the family is sitting around the table focused on their plate of food or paperwork. Give your teenagers some room, and they might take the opportunity to initiate a conversation. If they feel that we as parents always have an agenda, then they will stay silent and on the defense. Unhurried time and quiet activity might very well provide an opportunity for them to break the silence themselves.

All of this is precisely why hiking can be a good way to bond with teenagers—walking together in comfortable silence, getting energized from the exercise and the fresh air, and then finding great conversation starters along the trail. Some of our favorites in the area are Castle Crags, Brokeoff Mountain, Mount Linn and Mount Shasta. A cheerful, relaxed conversation is sure to accompany your hike. Taking one child, or teenager, at a time is important. I have taken one-on-one hikes, and even backpacking trips, with each teenager. If you can’t get away with just one child, you can instead meander up and down the trail to find alone time with each kid. You will be surprised at how they might open up to you in that environment. When they are walking and talking, that is your cue to limit your word count. The more you talk, the less they will. It is better to affirm what they are saying, let them know you hear them, and then wait to see if they ask for your opinion. They will absorb very little of what you say anyway, so choose those few words wisely.

Hiking provides another benefit for your teenager. The exercise involved will help level out those hormones. I often advise troubled teenagers and their parents to at least get out for a stroll in their neighborhood. Charles Dickens said, “Walk and be happy, walk and be healthy.” Such a small thing can help with some of the issues that seem very big in our lives. We may not be able to see the whole map, but we can enjoy each step in the here and now. We have three teenagers in the house right now and my goal this year will be to hike more, listen more and talk less. This crowded nest is also a once-in-a-lifetime experience and I know we won’t be able to revisit it.