How to Support Your Quiet, “Shy” Child

We parents want our children to thrive. And it can hurt when we see a quieter child overlooked, not chosen or otherwise left out in fun, social settings.

We want our children to have friends and to be cordial with adults. We want them to get invitations to parties and chosen to be part of a team. We want them to be happy. What can we do when our quiet child is being labeled as overly shy or introverted? How can we bolster confidence?

There are many reasons why children are shy or introverted

Being an introvert is not a negative personality trait. Quiet children can be perfectly happy and have wonderful social skills, though they sometimes need a boost to make friends and to feel comfortable in social settings. The reasons behind a child’s quiet demeanor can be simple or complex:

• Many personality tendencies, including introversion, can be inherited, just as eye color or body type are often inherited.
• Shyness can be a learned behavior. If parents and other close adults are displaying quiet or withdrawn social behavior, it is natural for the child to observe and imitate them.
• If a child is surrounded by overbearing or overprotective adults, the child can worry about proper behavior, which leads to a fear of making mistakes, which in turn can make the child shy away from social contact.
• A child who is isolated and has limited opportunity to play with others has fewer opportunities to learn acceptable social behaviors.

What happens when friends and family label a child as shy

Friends and family may label a child “shy” when they notice certain behaviors. Your child may tend to play quietly rather than roar like a dinosaur. He may seem uncomfortable around other children, especially those not yet known. She may seem nervous and unwilling to try something new. He may worry that others won’t like him and may just watch as an outsider when games are played.

The shy child may be seen by others as stand-offish. Other children may believe that he or she just doesn’t want to play. When a child hesitates to join in the fun, that can begin a cycle in which a child has fewer interactions with others and fewer opportunities to practice using social skills; all of which makes play situations even more uncomfortable.

How parents can help their quiet child

Avoid labels

Rather than labeling your child’s behavior as “shy,” point out that he is  a thoughtful person who makes choices carefully.

Avoid being overprotective and help make play dates

Offer many opportunities for your child to participate with others, but refrain from making it a huge potential problem. See your child as unique and as a learner who will be able to succeed at her own pace. Be sure the date is a positive experience by prompting helpful words and behaviors: “Maybe you could ask Johnny which toys are his favorites.”

Use role play, eye contact and rehearsed scripts

Role play with puppets or stuffed animals to act out ways to make friends and have positive interactions with adults. Practice making eye contact when speaking to others and rehearse scripts to use when meeting someone new, such as: “Hi, my name is …”

Give praise generously

Everyone likes to hear they have done well, so be generous with your praise, even for small accomplishments. Example: “Hey, you looked Grandma right in the eyes when you talked to her today. Great job.” Consider stickers and high fives for positive social interactions: “I saw how you shared your bubbles with Carlos. High five!”

Celebrate your child’s unique personality

Let your child know that it’s fine to be quieter or different from other children. Being quiet is only a problem if it brings unhappiness or hinders happy childhood life in some way. Your quiet child may be a strong student, be a better listener than others and may be able to support others who are more outgoing. Every child has a unique personality that can be celebrated and cherished.

Use books to see another point of view

Reading and discussing a book together is a wonderful way to teach perspective-taking, the skill of learning to see things from another point of view. This skill is useful to children who struggle with friendships or finding confidence to try new things. They learn that other children worry sometimes too, and that there are ways to solve the problems.

Talking about a book character’s problems is a terrific way for your child to grow in understanding of his own worries and fears. And stories offer a chance to think about social interactions with no pressure to perform.

Some good choices for reading include:

• Too Shy to Say Hi by Shannon Anderson and Hiroe Nakata
• A Little Spot of Belonging: A Story About Being True to Yourself and Making Friends by Diane Alber
• Shy Ninja by Mary Nhin
• Sometimes I’m Shy: A Child’s Guide to Overcoming Social Anxiety by Poppy O’Neill and Amanda Ashman-Wymbs
• Shy Charles by Rosemary Wells

It takes patience to encourage a timid child. But step by step you can support your children as they become more confident and successful in social settings.