Create Intimacy Without Taking Your Clothes Off

By the time your kids are asleep, your mood is exhausted, not erotic. In theory, you want to connect with your partner. In reality, you’re too tired to make the effort. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.

It is totally normal for your sex life to take a dive when you have kids, says Dr. Jenni Skyler, certified sex therapist and director of Colorado’s The Intimacy Institute. But that doesn’t mean you can’t, or shouldn’t, seek intimacy in other ways. According to Skyler, the definition of intimacy is quality connection and it is essential to a healthy relationship. And while it’s the rare marriage that thrives without sex, she says there are many ways to be intimate without it. Opportunities for intimacy might less scarce than they seem, if you know where to look.

Create a distraction-free space to talk

Experts and couples agree uninterrupted conversation is an excellent way to create intimacy. While the first step is finding a sitter, putting the kids to bed, or scheduling a lunch date while the kids are at school, the second step is just as important: Put away your phones. Says marriage therapist Jill Whitney, LMFT, “We’re so busy replying to texts or checking social media that we hardly hear the one we’re with. This is toxic to relationships.”

Once you create a distraction-free space for a conversation, you might be surprised where that conversation leads. Sarah Protzman Howlett, a mom of four-year-old twins, describes a simple ritual she and her husband share. He says, “So tell me things.” and from there, they might discuss anything from work to travel plans to politics well into the night. Rebecca Beck, a mother of two, says that deep, emotionally honest conversations are extremely important to her marriage as a way of staying connected. And relationship expert Lucinda Loveland says research confirms, “Couples who share with each other more, like each other more.”

Have a kissing date

Kissing (with all your clothes on) is something you can do virtually anytime, anywhere — even in front of the kids — and it’s incredibly intimate. Skyler recommends what she calls a “kissing date,” in which kissing is not a means to sex, but rather the main event. Kelly Burch is a strong proponent of kissing. Though she and her husband have always enjoyed it, now as parents of a three-year-old and working opposite shifts, it has become much more important “Kissing only takes a minute and builds that connection and intimacy,” she says.

Any type of cuddling or hand-holding builds connection

The power of touch is huge. Says therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, “Whether it’s a kiss hello or goodbye or holding hands, even non-sexual touching builds connection between partners.” David Bennett, a certified counselor and relationship expert, explains this phenomenon in terms of neuroscience. “Any form of longer-duration cuddling and touching causes a release of oxytocin in the brain. This is the chemical that bonds couples together. So, any type of cuddling or hand-holding longer than 20 seconds will build intimacy.”

Relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, LCSW agrees that while touch is no replacement for sex, it’s incredibly valuable. While many new parents are plain old tired, there is limited privacy with little eyes and ears at home. This is why she recommends foot and hand massages as a way to connect. “Being touched and nurtured is sensual and connecting and can feel like the two of you are sneaking a guilty pleasure,” she says.

Some couples just have a habit of touching. Chase McCann, the mother of a 17-year-old, says she and her partner have a habit of holding hands whenever they’re out. “We hold hands on the street or in parking lots. It means that even on days when we’re busy and not thinking about intimacy, we’re maintaining that touch connection.”

Use all your senses to be together

If you’re not in the mood to be touched, or if physical affection just isn’t your love language, Skyler reminds us, the five senses include not just touch, but also sight, hearing, smell, and taste. She says sharing a sensual experience is an excellent way to connect. This could be listening to music together, enjoying a meal together, or looking at something beautiful. When a couple sits outside to watch the sunset together, all kinds of good things happen, says Rhonda Milrad, “Stress decreases, the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, neurotransmitters are released and your mood becomes calmer. Consequently, you both are more open to connection and communication.”

It doesn’t take much to create a sensual experience in your home. Relationship expert Lucinda Loveland encourages couples to use dim lighting, candles, and music. According to Loveland, “This is a great way to create a warm and romantic environment without doing anything physical.” Many couples I talked to enjoy sharing a meal after their kids are in bed. Says Amy Bailey, a mom of three, she and her husband of 16 years look forward to their “date nights in.” Whether dinner is a meat and cheese plate or a steak dinner, they savor the food and each other’s company.

Share a hobby together

As parents stretched in many different directions and with a “scarcity of resources” as my husband is fond of saying, it’s easy to forget what attracted you and your partner to each other in the first place. Doing a hobby together can be an excellent reminder.

Especially when time together as a couple is at a premium, “Sharing something novel helps keep your relationship from getting stagnant,” says Jill Whitney, LMFT. Julie Burton can attest to this. With two daughters, now ages 11 and 8, Julie felt that she and her husband Scott were moving in separate directions; until they started fishing together. Living in Kansas, it’s never inexpensive or convenient, but “it’s always like falling in love again.”

Jacob Brier and his wife have a young son and a shared passion for fitness. For the Briers, working out together equals “heart rate up, sweaty, out of breath… clothes on. Plus, you’re helping to stay healthy together.” Natalie and Matt Rotelli have a nightly ritual of doing the Sunday New York Times crossword together. “He knows all things mythological, vocab, history, locations and cute little plays on words…  I generally figure out the algorithm for the long answers associated with the theme of the crossword and all things pop culture.” Natalie says their mutual admiration for each other’s skills is a source of connection.

Intimacy encompasses so much more than sex. It’s about connection—whether it’s a game of tennis, a conversation, or a hug. It’s natural for kids to put a damper on your sex life, at least for a period of time. And while you can expect your kids to ruin certain things, like your sleep, your connection with your partner doesn’t have to be one of them.