Beyond the Myths: Understanding How Children Grieve

When a child loses someone important, adults naturally want to protect them from pain. In trying to help, well-meaning caregivers may repeat common ideas about “how kids grieve” that sound reassuring but aren’t always true. These myths can unintentionally make it harder for children to feel understood and supported.

The truth is children grieve deeply and their grief may look and sound different from what adults expect. By replacing myths with accurate, compassionate understanding, caregivers can create the space and support children need.

Myth: Young children don’t understand death, so they don’t grieve

Fact: Even very young children feel the absence of someone important. Toddlers and preschoolers may not fully grasp that death is permanent, but they experience loss through changes in routine, missing familiar faces and sensing the emotions of those around them. They may express grief through play, clinginess, regression in skills or changes in sleep and appetite. Honest, age-appropriate conversations and consistent reassurance are far more helpful than avoidance.

Myth: Shielding children from the truth protects them

Fact: Wanting to protect children from pain is natural but shielding them from the truth about a death can cause confusion, mistrust and anxiety. Children often sense when something is wrong and without clear information, their imaginations may fill the gaps, sometimes with ideas scarier than reality. Age-appropriate honesty helps children feel secure and trusted. Knowing the truth allows them to begin making sense of their loss and to rely on adults to guide them.

Myth: If children are laughing and playing, they’ve stopped grieving

Fact: A child’s laughter or play after a loss doesn’t mean they’ve stopped grieving. Children move in and out of grief, shifting between sadness and moments of joy. Play isn’t forgetting; it’s how children cope and feel safe again. These lighter moments are part of their healing, helping them carry their grief in ways their young hearts can manage.

Myth: Talking about the person who died will make children more upset

Fact: Many adults fear that naming the person or sharing memories will reopen wounds. But doing so often brings comfort. Remembering together keeps the connection alive and shows children their memories are valued. Open conversation also models healthy ways to express sadness, love and remembrance.

Myth: Children ‘get over’ grief faster than adults

Fact: Children don’t simply “bounce back” and move on. Their grief can resurface at different developmental stages. A child who lost a parent in kindergarten may experience that loss differently at age 10 and again as a teenager. Grief is a lifelong journey that shifts shape over time.

Myth: Good behavior means they aren’t grieving

Fact: Some children try to be “extra good,” hoping to ease caregiver stress. Others may act out because they can’t put feelings into words yet. Both quiet compliance and big outbursts can express grief. Noticing behavior changes and responding with curiosity rather than judgment helps children feel safe.

Myth: Children are so resilient they don’t need extra help

Fact: Resilience is real but grows best with supportive relationships and understanding adults. Children benefit from caregivers who listen, answer questions honestly and provide stability. Many also find comfort through peer grief groups, school counselors or therapists specializing in childhood bereavement.

Children grieve in unique and personal ways. They need freedom to express feelings, reassurance that their grief is normal and the knowledge their loved one will not be forgotten. By releasing myths and meeting children where they are, we help them heal, remember and carry their love forward, one step at a time.

Support for children in grief

Kids Grief Explorers Club is an eight-week, in-person support group for children ages 6–12 who have experienced the death of someone close. Children learn to express feelings in healthy ways, engage in creative healing activities, and connect with peers in a supportive space. For details or session dates, contact Suzanne Tovey at KidGriefExplorersClub@gmail.com or follow @Kids_Grief_Explorers_Club on Instagram.