What If I Never Lose a Pound?

I stood there completely naked. I reached back and pulled the ponytail holder out of my hair. Nothing was going to impact this. I thought about taking off my wedding ring, but finally decided I was being ridiculous.

I stepped on the scale.The digital display was working, thinking, processing the weight of me on a 12×12 square. It took only seconds for the scale to measure me, to define me. I couldn’t help but wonder, standing there in the early morning, naked and cold: is this who I am?

Am I a number? Am I too much? Am I a failure?

Weight loss is not a new subject to me. I’ve been in this place far too long. It’s been decades of dealing with wishing my body looked better, my jeans fit differently, or hoping that shopping for a bathing suit would magically become enjoyable. It always seemed to connect to weight.

I know how to spout the socially acceptable jargon.

It’s about health, not weight.

           It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.

           Listen to your body, it will tell you what it needs.

           I’m not so sure about that last one, actually. My body often tells me it needs cookies. And chocolate. I know, I know. A want is different from a need. But some days I think the line is pretty thin.

As much as we want to talk our way around the subject of what’s acceptable, weight is an issue. There are health implications, lifestyle implications and family implications. Those are all real and true, but what if that matters less than we think?

That morning as I made my way into the shower to warm up, I thought about the number that glared up at me just moments before. I thought about how much lower it should be and all I had to do to get it there. Because we often know what we need to do, we just lack the discipline to do it. At least I do.

But how would my life change? I thought about how my life would change if I lost weight. I could buy nicer clothes. I could feel better about myself. I could do more. I could be healthy. I could be happy.

But what was stopping me from doing those things right now?

I could buy nice clothes now.

I could choose to feel better about myself.

I could do the things I dream of doing.

I could live healthy at 180 pounds.

I could be happy now.

If I never lose another pound, I can still choose to live the life I want to live.

We could spout the “life is too short” mantra and self-help our way through a set of steps. But the truth is we don’t need to work that hard.There is no magic number on a scale that will change who you are. The sooner we come to terms with who we are, the sooner we can get on with living our lives.

If I never lose a pound…

I can still hug my kids.

I can jump in the water.

I can wear a red dress.

If I never lose a pound…

I can scandalously kiss my husband.

I can order the dessert.

I can go for a walk outside because

I want to.

If I never lose a pound…

I can like who I am.

I can live a beautiful life.

I can be happy.

This sounds so easy in black and white but living it out is another story. Living it out feels hard and scary. Living it out feels a bit ridiculous and frivolous. I can talk myself out of living it out faster than I can grab a handful of chocolate chips from the cabinet.

But it doesn’t need to be all or nothing. It doesn’t need to become a total life overhaul. You don’t need to do it all at once. Instead, you can do things one small step at a time.

Do one thing today. Pick something that helps you live happily today at whatever weight you are. Is it wearing bold lipstick? Or could it be buying some beautiful flowers? Maybe it’s the freedom to get in the pool with the kids instead of sitting on the sidelines. You can start with one small thing.

Will I continue to work on losing weight? Yes. Because I know it is good for me. But I am done letting weight define me and the life I live. We get one shot here on this big, beautiful Earth. One shot to be happy, love deeply and live a beautiful life. Start today.