Why I’m Taking 5 Minutes With My Teens

I still walk to the bus stop with my ninth-grade boy/girl twins. Before you assume that I’m a helicopter, snowplow, lawnmower or some other type of machinery parent, please let me explain.

When my kids were younger, I admit that I used to go to the bus stop with them due to fear they would get hurt or kidnapped. But as they got older, I realized that I continued to walk to the bus stop to spend time with them. They felt the same way since they let me know it was okay for me to keep walking with them.

Recently I wondered why those five minutes felt different from the rest of the time I see them during the day.

Walking to the bus stop every morning is a routine that my teens can count on to spend time with me. They sometimes ask me questions or offer information about their day. And rarely do they have their phone in front of their faces (unlike the rest of the time I see them).

Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, says, “Having a regular routine or ritual that you do with your teen will bring you closer. Parenting a teen is not a set of strategies. It is a relationship.”

Most parents of teens worry about the possibility that their kid might use drugs or engage in other risky behaviors. Research shows that when parents have a positive relationship with teenagers that they are less likely to take risks. Research also shows that when teens feel connected to their family and school that they are less likely to engage in violent behaviors as adults.

Even though it is only five minutes in the morning it is enough time to create a connection with my teens. When they come home from school, they are busy completing homework or talking with their friends. And then they often have activities or sports so there are some days when we don’t eat dinner together. There are some days when those five minutes is the only uninterrupted time I see them, which is why I value it.

“The time we spend together as families should be treasured. It should be spent supporting, guiding, and enjoying each other’s company,” says Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a physician at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication. “Too many families waste energy nagging. The bigger goal is to learn to communicate in a way that strengthens your relationships and prepares your teens for healthy relationships with you in the future.”

In less than four years my kids might be headed off to college. So I plan to take as much time as I can with them even if it is only five minutes in the morning walking with them to the bus stop.

On a recent walk to the bus stop, I shared that I had a job interview that day and I was nervous.

“What type of job is the interview for?” my daughter asked.

“A guidance counselor.”

“Which school?” my son asked.

“Don’t worry — it’s not yours.”

We all laughed, knowing that my son did not want me to be his new guidance counselor.

The bus pulled up beside us and they climbed up the stairs. Before finding a seat my daughter turned around, smiled and shouted, “Good luck mom.”

Next year they will be old enough to drive to school, no longer needing the bus. I treasure the time we have together even if it is only five minutes because I know how important that connection is for all of us.