Empathy and Aging: Navigating Changes in Your Parents’ Later Years

Imagine your children are in high school or college. You thought things would lighten up. You might be planning on retirement, but now your parents are needing some major care and attention. You are not alone. According to the Pew Research Center, 23% to 28% of US adults, usually aged 40-59, are part of the sandwich generation; those caring for both children and aging parents.

With the improvement in medical care and healthy lifestyles, many people are living independently into their 80s and 90s. As I and many others in this situation have experienced, taking care of aging parents can bring huge changes to both our emotions and the roles we are required to play. As parents, we expect our children to go through many stages, needing support as they mature. One may not be prepared to face a similar situation with one’s parents. In fact, many may not have ever considered the potential of taking care of our elders and our children concurrently.

Having Empathy with Elderly Parents Can Be Challenging

Some people may not have felt supported when they were growing up. Yet as a child of an aging parent, they may now feel morally obligated to assist their family. This requires emotional processing, but it can provide the opportunity to forgive past transgressions, which can lead to a place of strength and empathy. This can be a great blessing.

Even if our parents are not dealing with major medical issues, the day-to-day frustrations as a result of aging can manifest as anger expressed by the aging parent as they struggle with the loss of independence. Unfortunately, especially with Alzheimer’s or dementia, a person can become angry at caregivers. The challenge is to have empathy for yourself and your parents as you go through this emotionally charged time.

Don’t Go It Alone

There are many issues which need to be addressed when assisting aging parents. These can include financial management and assistance, meal prep, house cleaning, transportation, attending medical appointments, documentation of end of life wishes and being available to address emergencies. When facing these situations, it is best if the burden can be shared. This gives a family the opportunity to reconnect with one another, to make sure everyone is aware of the needs of their elders, to be involved in the planning of how to meet those needs and to share the responsibility of providing the needed assistance.

The Added Burden of Elder Care Can be Managed with Planning

The first step is to communicate with other family members who might be able to help and with your elderly parents so that everyone recognizes the needs and can be a part of the plan. It is best to have these conversations before an emergency arises. Depending on your situation, it could be helpful to have a joint family planning meeting where it can be decided who can help best with the parent’s needs.

Knowing ahead of time what is expected can provide the opportunity to include the needs of parents when you are scheduling your own commitments or travel. This includes making sure someone is available for emergencies that may arise. One might consider inviting elderly parents for dinner regularly to facilitate these discussions as needs evolve. This can nurture relationships through this time of major change.

Balancing the added burden of parental care can cause emotional strain. Patience, both with parents and yourself, is key. Keeping calm and maintaining a sense of humor can go a long way in dealing with these changes. Specifically asking about their preferences when planning activities that they enjoy can make time together more pleasurable.

Empathy Helps Ease Difficult Conversations

This is the time to address financial matters, along with end of life and burial preferences. These can be difficult issues to discuss. It is important to approach these issues with empathy. The first step is to find out where important papers are kept. Make sure account numbers and passwords are written down and kept in a safe place, such as a safety deposit box.

Ensure that your parents have written a will (inexpensive will kits are available online and at office supply stores) even if they have few assets to pass on. It is important for them to name beneficiaries and an executor. Durable power of attorney documents are important to have in place, especially if a parent develops dementia. A Living Will might be appropriate. Seeking professional advice can put your mind at ease about these preparations.

Planning for funeral arrangements and discussing how to pay for these arrangements is especially important. It is difficult to make these decisions once your parent is gone and you are in the midst of grief. End of life classes, available online and through many faith-based organizations, can assist with these discussions and documentation. The National Institute of Health has an Advance Care planning: A Conversation Guide with lists of questions to start the conversation at nia.nih.gov/publication/advance-care-planning-a-conversation-guide. Some health care insurance companies also offer guidance.

When you care for aging parents, be sure to acknowledge your limits, set boundaries and take care of yourself. Build trust through open communication, locate local support services and lean on professional resources. Most of all, enter this time with empathy and grace. These will be the last times you will get to share with your parents. It can be a precious time of growth and joy for all involved.